Diary Of An Average Nigerian Undergraduate (Part 2)

 

EPISODE 2

With rage, I rushed down to her store, which was like 6 kilometers away from where I met the madman. As I walked hurriedly, all I kept mustering angrily was, "I knew this was all she wanted! I just knew. It's not like she really knows what or how Bowen operates or that she and her husband are ready to foot the bill. She just wants to brag. Shikenah! She only wants to broadcast. Mtchweew.

When I finally reached my mom’s shop, I met another sight that left me dumbfounded and angrier.

Scene 3

My mom: (Shouting and Jamming one hand to the other): In what aspect of life do you even measure up to me, foolish woman? Beauty? Money? Achievement? Family? Children?

And erhh! That even reminds me. JSYK: My first son, Ebuka, just got admission into Bowen University, a feat no one in this whole community has ever attained.

Other Market Woman: (Murmuring and mustering amongst themselves)

My mom: (Continues) Mummy Bayo, tell us the spectacular feat your own son has achieved. All he is known for is stealing, arm robbery, criminality, sexual harassment, and gambling. I’m very sure he is even on his way to one of his gang’s meetings, where he and his fellow hoodlums will plan tonight’s operation.

Mummy Bayo (The woman my mom was quarreling with): Are you seriously bragging with your son’s admission? (Laughs annoyingly.) Like seriously? Admission? Do you know the number of unemployed graduates around you? Like people with better educational credentials than your overrated son will ever attain,  are they living from hand to mouth? Silly woman.

My mum: (Laughs Hysterically): My son has or will have educational credentials soon.  What does yours have? What will Bayo Have? Onuku. 

Mummy Bayo: (with a firm voice and shaking her head confidently) A great destiny, Mummy Ebuka. A great future. Children with great providence like him are usually like that.

My mom (who laughs extensively): This is what watching too many fairy tale movies can cause. You think this is Nollywood. My dear, the only destiny I personally see in that useless son of yours is that one of these days, while on his usual operation, he will be caught, beaten, and killed by an angry mob.

Bet me, Mummy Bayo, it won’t be up to four months from now. Bet me.

Mummy Bayo: It is Ebuka that will be killed by a rival cult group in the same Bowen. Bet it.

*

As the two women jammed their hands to bet on the "foolish bet," which I could not even understand or explain, my mom landed a punch on Mummy Bayo’s chick, and a terrible fight ensued. Other market women gathered around to watch, and a few tried to separate the duo.

While all this was happening, I watched from a close distance. After the two fighters were separated and were both panting, I left with a disappointed face.

 

SCENE 3

Finally, the much anticipated day came—the day I was to set out for school. And I won’t lie, I had mixed feelings. I was happy I was going to a new environment, to have a new experience, and that I was going to leave my parents, these tormentors who wouldn’t let me be. I was going to be my boss. But again, I would miss them so badly. Seeing my younger sister’s pale face this morning already breaks my heart. Despite having a cat-and-rat relationship with Precious, that blood still binds us. I would miss Ijesha; I would miss my friends, the market women, and everybody.

My Dad: Precious, help Ebuka with his luggage; take them to the front door.

My Younger Sister, Precious: Okay, Daddy.

My Dad: Ebus Ebus (smiling), so finally, today is the day.

Me: (Smiling sheepishly)

My Dad: Have a seat! Let's have some words of prayer before you set out.

Me: (seats)

My Dad: (Calls out my mum, who is inside the Kitchen, preparing breakfast): Darling!

My Dad: (Shouts again): Darling!

My mom responds: Yes, baby.

My Dad: Please, round off what you are doing and come to the parlor.

My mom: Okay.

My Dad (Turns to me): Ebuka!

Me: Sir

My Dad: Today is finally the D-day we have all been anticipating. Just as I have been telling you, the University is where you want it to be. If you want it to be a place of learning, acquiring knowledge and skills, and making great friends, that is what it will be for you. And if you want it to be a place of Hooliganism, embracing stupidity, thuggery, failure, and criminal friends, that will be where it will be for you too.

(Precious crosses with one of my bags.)

My Dad: The choice is all yours! If you go there and face what brought you there—your book and studies—you will excel and make us proud!

My mom (badges out of the Kitchen): But if you go there and decide to become useless, of course, you know the market women will laugh at me!

Me: Mummmmmmyyy!!! Ah!

Precious: My brother won’t be useless in Jesus' Name.

(Everybody choruses AMEN and laughs.)

My Dad: Now, let's pray.

My Dad: Everlasting Father, we appreciate you for the life of this boy, our first fruit, Chukwu Ebuka. Just as his name implies, you have been showing yourself greatly in his life ever since his birth. We appreciate you, Father, for this great opportunity you have given him to study at Bowen University. We say, may your name be glorified in Jesus' name.

Everyone: Amen!

My Dad: Father, as he has set out for school this day, we pray that your divine presence goes with him. He set his mind focused on what he went there to do. May he never deviate from his purpose, in Jesus' Name.

Everyone: Amen!

My dad said (placing his hands on my head): Ebuka, you will succeed. You will excel academically, and the Lord’s hand will be on you. In Jesus' mighty name, we pray.

Everyone shouts thunderously: Amen.